Safety… what comes to my mind when you think of that word?  Family? Friends? Home?What about locks, alarms, police? That isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. My word for safety is “food.” Food always has been my safe place. Food has always been that safety net, that security blanket, the comfort I needed when nothing else helped. I’ve always been an emotional person and when those emotions reach an overwhelming level, I try to maintain my balance by eating. When I’m sad- I eat, when I’m happy – I eat, when I’m lonely- I eat ( a lot).

Ever since I was young I can remember using food to comfort my moods. Had a bad day? I’d sneak an extra scoop of ice cream. Feeling sad? Take an extra Nutty Bar.  All my friends are out on a Friday night and I’m home? Let’s eat the entire package of Oreos. The older I got, the more I sought safety.  When I moved out on my own, I found myself always reaching for something to comfort me. To make me feel safe. The cost of that safety? My health, my sanity, my self-esteem. Does that really seem safe to you?

Up until recently, it did. I was in denial of how bad it was. In September I started the 21 Day Fix and by Christmas I had lost 25 pounds. I was feeling great about myself, about life, about everything. Then the holidays hit. Holidays were always an emotional trigger for me, it’s when I felt the most alone. I was determined to get through a holiday unscathed. Unfortunately I failed. My emotions were at an all time high. I ate everything I could get my hands on.

While most people start the New Year by making resolutions, I started the New Year by eating an entire trifle by myself. My 35th birthday was looming and I said I’d lose 35 by 35, that didn’t happen. A few weeks later my Grampy passed away and I was crushed. I fell into the biggest pit of despair, it was so dark and I felt so alone.  The only way I knew to fill the hole in my heart was to eat. I consumed pints of ice cream, jars of peanut butter, and candy galore. I stopped working out, I stopped seeing my friends.

My binge eating took over my life. Now, I’ve always been a binge eater, I just never said it out loud or let it get that far. By the time April came around I had put on the 25 pounds I lost, plus a few extra. I did this in approximately 3 months! Not good, Lizz, not good. I was stuck in a vicious cycle. I ate and ate and ate and pushed everyone away because I was ashamed. Because I pushed everyone away, I was lonely. To fill the void, I ate. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I finally came clean to my therapist. I admitted  to my bingeing; to hiding in my car and eating so that my coworkers couldn’t see me; to eating beyond the full point because it felt good; to never remembering what I ate or how much I ate; to food being the center of my world. She said we should talk about eating disorders, specifically Binge Eating Disorder. Unfortunately our time was up (doesn’t it always happen that way?) and I was getting ready to head to a 2 week European vacation with my family.

I spent my spare time before the trip researching BED (seriously, the acronym for it was bed?!) and I had no doubt that was what I was suffering from. While on vacation I noticed my patterns and habits; how I ate more than my entire family, ate faster, snacked more often, and drank more than they did too. I came home with this newfound knowledge, and what did I do with it? I wallowed in it and ate through my tears.

I confessed everything in therapy and received a new diagnosis- Binge Eating Disorder without Purging- and began treatment. Once this “label” was put on me, it was like I was freed of the shackles that weighed me down. I opened my eyes to the road ahead of me and that path I had taken to get me to where I was. I had two options- step forward or step backwards. I chose to step forward. I reached out to some of those I pushed away, I reached out to those that could help me stay on the path.

Every day I take a step forward. Occasionally I take a step backward, but now I refuse to feel ashamed, I refuse to let it destroy me again. For each step I take backwards, I take two steps forward.  I haven’t binged in over a month! I’ve made healthy choices, I’ve made smart choices; I’m down over 10 pounds!  I’m on the road to recovery, one step at a time.