Category Archives: Confession

One Step at a Time

Posted in Confession, Eating Disorder, Honesty by

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Safety… what comes to my mind when you think of that word?  Family? Friends? Home?What about locks, alarms, police? That isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. My word for safety is “food.” Food always has been my safe place. Food has always been that safety net, that security blanket, the comfort I needed when nothing else helped. I’ve always been an emotional person and when those emotions reach an overwhelming level, I try to maintain my balance by eating. When I’m sad- I eat, when I’m happy – I eat, when I’m lonely- I eat ( a lot).

Ever since I was young I can remember using food to comfort my moods. Had a bad day? I’d sneak an extra scoop of ice cream. Feeling sad? Take an extra Nutty Bar.  All my friends are out on a Friday night and I’m home? Let’s eat the entire package of Oreos. The older I got, the more I sought safety.  When I moved out on my own, I found myself always reaching for something to comfort me. To make me feel safe. The cost of that safety? My health, my sanity, my self-esteem. Does that really seem safe to you?

Up until recently, it did. I was in denial of how bad it was. In September I started the 21 Day Fix and by Christmas I had lost 25 pounds. I was feeling great about myself, about life, about everything. Then the holidays hit. Holidays were always an emotional trigger for me, it’s when I felt the most alone. I was determined to get through a holiday unscathed. Unfortunately I failed. My emotions were at an all time high. I ate everything I could get my hands on.

While most people start the New Year by making resolutions, I started the New Year by eating an entire trifle by myself. My 35th birthday was looming and I said I’d lose 35 by 35, that didn’t happen. A few weeks later my Grampy passed away and I was crushed. I fell into the biggest pit of despair, it was so dark and I felt so alone.  The only way I knew to fill the hole in my heart was to eat. I consumed pints of ice cream, jars of peanut butter, and candy galore. I stopped working out, I stopped seeing my friends.

My binge eating took over my life. Now, I’ve always been a binge eater, I just never said it out loud or let it get that far. By the time April came around I had put on the 25 pounds I lost, plus a few extra. I did this in approximately 3 months! Not good, Lizz, not good. I was stuck in a vicious cycle. I ate and ate and ate and pushed everyone away because I was ashamed. Because I pushed everyone away, I was lonely. To fill the void, I ate. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I finally came clean to my therapist. I admitted  to my bingeing; to hiding in my car and eating so that my coworkers couldn’t see me; to eating beyond the full point because it felt good; to never remembering what I ate or how much I ate; to food being the center of my world. She said we should talk about eating disorders, specifically Binge Eating Disorder. Unfortunately our time was up (doesn’t it always happen that way?) and I was getting ready to head to a 2 week European vacation with my family.

I spent my spare time before the trip researching BED (seriously, the acronym for it was bed?!) and I had no doubt that was what I was suffering from. While on vacation I noticed my patterns and habits; how I ate more than my entire family, ate faster, snacked more often, and drank more than they did too. I came home with this newfound knowledge, and what did I do with it? I wallowed in it and ate through my tears.

I confessed everything in therapy and received a new diagnosis- Binge Eating Disorder without Purging- and began treatment. Once this “label” was put on me, it was like I was freed of the shackles that weighed me down. I opened my eyes to the road ahead of me and that path I had taken to get me to where I was. I had two options- step forward or step backwards. I chose to step forward. I reached out to some of those I pushed away, I reached out to those that could help me stay on the path.

Every day I take a step forward. Occasionally I take a step backward, but now I refuse to feel ashamed, I refuse to let it destroy me again. For each step I take backwards, I take two steps forward.  I haven’t binged in over a month! I’ve made healthy choices, I’ve made smart choices; I’m down over 10 pounds!  I’m on the road to recovery, one step at a time.

Dear Starbucks

Posted in Confession, Honesty, Shakeology by

Dear Starbucks…

I don’t know how to say this, you’ve been great,  really you have… It’s just, well… um… oh man okay, how do I sugar coat this? I’m a lousy poker player. I’m so not Gaga, you can totally read my poker face.  I really need to come clean… There’s someone else!  I know, I know. I’m a two timing hussy, I get it, but please let me explain… It’s not you, it’s me… no… wait… scratch that, it’s so you!  That’s right, you heard me.  We are never ever ever getting back together.

I found a new love. I know you’re asking yourself who I could possibly love more than you.  Like I said, you’ve been great and all, but you’re just not the one. I’m leaving you for someone way better.  I’ve fallen in love with Café Latte by Shakeology and I’m not ashamed to shout it from the rooftops!

Why? Well, why not? I’m just tired of you.  I’m tired of always having to go to you; you have never once come to me. I’m constantly waiting for you; there are always other people ahead of me.  You’re so unhealthy for me; all the empty calories, the accessories you need just to pretend to be good for me. Not to mention, you can’t even get my name right! I’m sorry, it’s over.

With Café Latte, I never have to leave my house. It shows up right on my door and is even polite enough to ring the doorbell.  When I wake up in the morning, I know they’ll still be there.  Any time I want I can have it. I don’t have to worry about deciding if I want Venti or Grande, 2 shots or 3; my biggest decision is do I want it in a shaker or a glass.  Café Latte is all natural, I get all the vitamins and minerals I need and I get all the energy I need without the caffeine crash.  How’s that for performance?

Oh did I mention that Café Latte is helping me save money? We’re saving money for a tropical vacation! Now that I’m spending less than 4 dollars a day, instead of the 7 dollars I would have to give you every day.  And, oh yeah, I’ve already lost 20 pounds drinking my Shakeology, I don’t think you have ever done that for me. So Starbucks, it was nice knowing you.

Kisses!

Lizz

Falling off the Wagon

Posted in Confession, Weight loss by

Confession: This. $hit. Is. Hard!

If it wasn’t hard, everyone would be doing it. Everyone would be skinny. Everyone would be healthy.

It’s February 1st and it’s a Monday.  That means it’s a new day, a new month, a new week… I was reminded of this by my best friend today and my response was “F@*k you Monday.”  That’s the kind of mood I’m in today.

I’m pretty sure I’ve fallen off the wagon, and climbed back on, and fallen off again. Actually, I’m pretty sure the wagon has left without me. Whenever I mention a wagon I immediately get drawn back to my late 80s/early 90s childhood and that game that Oregon Trail. I feel like I’m at the point where you have to forge the river and turn you wagon into a boat; someone always falls out the deeper the water is.

“Lizz has fallen off of the wagon and drowned”

I could use a couple life preservers right now.  I know I’m buoyant and come with my own flotation devices, but if someone could toss me a life preserver that would be great.  Yeah yeah, I should have been wearing my life jacket but orange is so not my color (hence why I have yet to be caught and thrown into jail).

In all seriousness, losing weight is not easy. Blogging about it is hard too… the date is actually February 14th and I’ve been trying to finish my first blog post for 13 days.

It’s Valentine’s Day, I’m currently sitting at home doing my version of “Netflix and Chill.” I’m drinking a nice ice cold Chocolate PB Banana Shakeology while binge watching Supernatural in fleece leggings because its currently 7 degrees out, yes 7!

I’m here because I need to be. I need to document my journey and hold myself accountable and share my triumphs and struggles.  So going forward, I’m back on the wagon!  It’s a slow wagon so if you want to follow me or walk beside me you totally can!

So let’s get this party started!

And So It Begins…

Posted in 21 Day Fix, Confession, Honesty, Motivation, Weight loss by

My beginning blog, that got lost in the shuffle…

October 21, 2015

“All great ideas and all great thoughts have a ridiculous beginning.”
~Albert Camus
Labor Day 2015. I woke up in the twin bed I used to sleep in at my parents’ house. My best friend got married the night before and their house was closer than mine was. 

Upon waking I did whatever aging millennial does; I checked Facebook for pictures. Right there in black and white was a picture of their ceremony. I was standing there doing my duties as one of the maids of honor, gazing at the couple lovingly, looking like the hippo from Fantasia; except the pink tutu was replaced with a beautiful jersey bridesmaid’s dress in the color Oasis.

I gasped in horror. Is that what I really looked like? Did I really get to be that big? I mean, I know I’m no [insert whatever celebrity is the new skinny] but I didn’t realize my girth could give Shamu a run for her money. I sat in stunned silence for a few moments as the tears started to well up in my eyes. I threw open my bedroom door, much reminiscent of my adolescent years, and found my mother sitting on the couch. I shoved my phone in her face and through crocodile tears I said to her “look at this mom, look at it.”

Once she realized what I was trying to show her, she asked me to sit down so we could talk about it. I wanted to regress to that little girl that would lay my head in her lap as she stroked my hair until I stopped crying. Instead I acted like the 34 year old woman I needed to be and sat on the sofa facing her. With tears still streaming down my cheeks and with a look of heartbreak and confusion I asked her.

“Mom, when did I get this big?”
I was always active growing up, so despite how much I weighed, I was always solid. I was a big kid, but I was never “fat.” Over the past few years my inactivity and less than stellar lifestyle has caught up with me and although I’ve seen the “fat” creeping in, I never really noticed it until now.

That afternoon I met with my therapist to discuss what I was feeling about myself and my weight. I was fortunate enough a handful of years ago to be directed towards my therapist, let’s call her Etta, when I was struggling with anxiety and depression. Etta is also a weight loss therapist and has been a blessing during my struggles over the years. For almost 45 minutes she listened to me cry and I devised I plan.

A couple weeks prior, I had been talking with one of my coworkers about trying the 21 Day Fix. You know the infomercial with the colored containers and everyone looks so happy and healthy? Yes, that 21 Day Fix. . I had ordered it after we initially talked and it was at my house, still sitting in the box. I was overwhelmed and afraid to fail, but after this post wedding meltdown, what choice did I have?

 The next day I walked up to my coworker and said “let’s do it!”
So here I am a month later. I’ve lost 11 pounds so far and have a new lease on life. I will talk about what happened during that month in my next post.

 A great thought came from that ridiculous beginning, and I couldn’t be happier!